It’s Day 3 of my first raw food cleanse. My poo is entirely green.
Every day I plug my nose and suppress my gag reflex failingly, preparing to consume whatever putrid liquid is on the menu for the day.
On the other hand, my partner has been downing the shakes/juices relatively unscathed, smacking his lips, telling me he “Feels skinnier already.”
• • •
Today my partner met his juice nemesis — the ‘Blood Purifier’.
The juice looked deceivingly tasty. It was a uniform lime green, purportedly healthy and welcoming. He takes a sip,
and it hits him.
His eyes crinkle, his lips purse, his hands clench.
He finds his breath and says, “Well that’ll purify my blood. That’s for sure.”
I am dancing inside. He finally understands my pain.
• • •
Day 4: Celery is the Enemy
We all have that one friend/co-worker/family member, the Debbie Downer. They roll in like a wet blanket, sopping up all the fun. Everything they say is punctuated with a “Wha Wha Whaaaa’”
Celery is the Debbie Downer of the juice/shake world.
Cucumber is a tall drink of water, he’s cool and refreshing. He’s chatting up Carrot. She went a little overboard on her spray tan, but she’s so sweet and tasty. Then there’s Ginger, she always brings a little hot and spicy. Arugula’s in the corner — he’s a little bit nutty, but everybody seems to like him.
It’s a good party mix. Everyone is chilling and having a great time.
• • •
All of a sudden, Celery kicks the door in, wondering why he wasn’t invited to the party. He’s always been a bit of a stalk-er. He’s bitter and leaves a bad taste in your mouth.
You try to ignore him, but he’s in your face, making sure you don’t miss him. He ruins the festivities and makes everyone want to leave.
That explains why these juices make me want to vomit.
• • •
4 days in, my hatred for celery (juice) has peaked.
It’s vile — like how baby poo or dog diarrhea is SO much worse than regular poo.
If celery was a sound, it would be a high-pitched, never-ending scream.
• • •
I used to eat celery and peanut butter as a snack and it tasted pretty good.
In reality, it’s like putting up with your best friend’s loser boyfriend, because to see her, you gotta see him.
In summary, Celery is the party-ruining, high-pitched screaming loser boyfriend.
• • •
Cauliflower is no winner either.
He’s the gross friend we have that farts all of the time. Watching the game, sitting in church, standing in line, wherever . He has no shame.
He lets it rip without a care in the world. It doesn’t matter if it sounds like rolling thunder, or worse, the infamous SBD — Silent But Deadly.
Wherever you are, whatever you are doing, it hits you like a ton of bricks in the side of the head. You have no option but to acknowledge the stench. You act surprised, but you’re not.
You’re frantically fanning anything you can find to get the smell away — your arms, paper, the blanket, anything. But it has amazing staying power. There is simply no escape. And the idiot just sits there grinning at you.
That’s Cauliflower. He smells like fart, but you can’t kick him out because you know he’s good for you.
• • •
Day 5: Banana and Carrot give Celery the Beet down
The shakes have become more palatable. Not that I habituated to eating blended salads, but because I found a worthy adversary for Psychotic Celery — the Bodacious Banana!
Banana is the smiling, loving grammie who always has your favourite snacks ready and hard candies in her purse. Think about it, ‘nana’ is even part of their name.
No matter which veggies show up, no matter that they are fighting and bitter, Banana makes everything right. She gathers them all into her arms and coats everybody with sweetness, masking all their faults and distastefulness.
Banana is the shake whisperer.
• • •
When Banana was off duty, I found a deadly tag-team duo to finally take down asshole Celery. It took 2 beets and 5 pounds of carrots to subdue the wild stalk-er.
• • •
You are as likely to lose a beet as you are to lose track of someone who stepped in a puddle of blood and walked away.
There is purple everywhere.
It stains the chopping board, your fingers, and the countertop and leaves a trail everywhere it has been. And I mean everywhere.
My poo is purple. My pee is purple.
It’s Fashion Week in the fridge, and purple is the new green.
• • •
I don’t know if I am going to make it. 7 days without cooked food makes one weak.
• • •
If you want to read about how the first 2 days of the cleanse went, check it out here.
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