How much grease will cause a heart attack?

Where there are weekends that I feel I put this to the test, there is no better venue to truly answer this question than at the CNE.

The Canadian National Exhibition, aka the CNE, happens every year in Toronto during the last two weeks of August. For me it is bittersweet, as I look forward to going every year, however, it also sadly means the official end of summer.

Going to the CNE like having a full closet of clothes but nothing to wear.  It’s pretty much the same thing all the time, but then you dig deep and every once in a while you find that killer outfit that still fits. The buildings, the rides, the games are status quo, but there’s always one or two tweaks that get you interested enough to go (Hint: it’s mostly about weird food).

Just like you keep going to your fridge hoping there is something better to eat in it since the last time you checked, you keep coming back for more.

The CNE is like a country fair with 3 main draws:

1. The food
2. The buildings and shopping
3. The midway

The Food (if you can even call it that)

The Food building is its own entity and houses 70+ vendors with every type of:
• International food – Greek, Indian, Italian, Philippino, Jamaican
• Dessert and sweet – crepes, bubble tea, ice creams, waffles, cones… waffle cones
• Meat – fried, grilled, wrapped, baked, sautéed
• Protein – meat, chicken, lamb, fish, cricket
which is the ‘normal’ stuff.

Every year there are lists of ‘food you have to try at the CNE’. Past listees have been deep fried coke / mars bars / cheese curds / anything really, Bug Dogs (hot dogs topped with crickets), Philly Steaklair (Philly cheese steak meets a chocolate éclair and have a food baby), pancake bacon tacos, and I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the cronut burger: a beef patty between two doughnut-croissant pastries, topped with maple-bacon jam (which apparently gave like 150 people food poisoning and is permanently shut down).

For two weeks out of the year, the American’s don’t have anything on us.

So as a yearly rite of passage, it is our duty to go to the CNE, gorge ourselves on the yearly list, and hope that we don’t get food poisoning / have a heart attack.

This year we attempted (and mostly succeeded with):

• Sirloin tips and garlic mash (our arteries needed a break)
• Dragon breath crepes – crepes dipped in liquid nitrogen so when you bite into them you look like a fire breathing dragon. You’ll have to watch the video to see what I mean.
• Deep Fried Monte Cristo Sammy – which by the way was absolutely _disgusting_.  It was like taking a bite out a lard cake in taste, and into a halfway cooked pancake in texture.

• … and a Thanksgiving Waffle

As we left the building, Gaston’s last words were, “My arm is tingling. I think I’m having a heart attack…”

The Buildings and the Shopping

My favourite building is The Farm. This year in front they had a walking, talking robot which is pretty much the coolest thing EVER. The handler said, “Ok 5 more pictures. Let the little kiddies in first”. Let me tell you, it took every bit of restraint not to drop kick them out of the way to get my picture, but Gaston held me back and said, “No babe. Let the real kids have a picture”.

Inside, they have everything from trendy planting ideas, bee keeping demonstrations, alpacas, to pigs and cows.

Other buildings have cool things like the Super Dogs show, giant sand sculptures, and horticulture displays.

Sadly the culture aspect has all but diminished and what remains is a kitsch buyer’s / infomercial junkie’s paradise. There are hundreds of stalls where you can buy ‘authentic’ souvenirs from every country, herbal remedies, hair products, clothes, smoked meat, dishes, books, shoes and hot tubs. The Slap Chop guy is there, as well as the Vitamix lady and the kid with the super, pick up everything vacuum.

The Midway

My true goal in life has always been to play one of the midway games and actually win a prize. What usually happens is that I spend a week’s salary trying to toss the ring on the bottle, knock down the cans with a ball, shoot water pistols to make little animals race to the top.

Invariably, the person running the game feels so sorry that I am crying like a child that they just give me a prize.

I decided that today would be different. For the love of God, I was going to win Gaston a prize.

I tried rolling balls into the grooves. (Note: the people who run these games must dedicate their lives to practicing the game. They make it look SOOOOOO easy. Yes of course, take my money!!). I tried shooting stars with 100 bullets. I knocked some stuff down. I busted some balloons. Gaston is like, “It’s ok, I don’t need a prize”.

I’m like, “Shut up kid. We’re doing this”

We hit the Skeeball game. I’m feeling good.

5 games in I’m feeling like I want to just throw a ball at the prize I want, so it falls off, so I can grab it and run.

Then, something magic happens. The one of the girls running the game comes up and gives me a counter intuitive tip. “Bounce it off the side”, she whispers. “The side??”, I ask, incredulously. She gives me a little wink, “Trust me, it’ll work”.

It works about half the time in my next game. I give her a little doubtful side eye. She gives me a nod that says try again.

Lo and behold, the last ball falls in the 40 hole and at 200 points. You get a prize at 190. The Winner sign lights up and the bell is ringing. Gaston is jumping up and down (not really, but he seems impressed). My hands are in the air and I’m screaming like a lunatic.

I WON I WON I WON I WON I WON I WON I WON I WON I WON!!!!!!!!!!!!

Zero reaction from the prize lady. With out even blinking or looking, she reaches behind her, grabs a random stuffy out of the cabinet behind her and throws it at me. I think it’s a giraffe.

This is the best day of my life.

We decide to leave on a high note, but not before passing on The Secret to another couple who looked like they too, had never one a thing in their lives. It took them a few games, but we waited… then celebrated with a round of high fives and group hugs.

The rest of the midway consists of brightly lit rides (which I refuse to go on.  How can I trust a ride that can be packed up and carted away on a truck??), a cable car across the CNE, concert stages, and more food stalls. (Deep fried cheese curds anyone?)

We even checked out the ghost town of a Casino.  With $25 buy ins for roulette and blackjack, there were no Asian high rollers to keep the tables busy.

It was time to call it a night.

And just when we were about to escape, just like the late night, drunken, hot dog card splurge, we grabbed two chocolate and caramel filled churros for the road.

Click here to see The Full Adventure