Original post date: November 30, 2007
Hola Sombreros y Piñatas!!
I was in Cancun a couple of nights ago, dancing on the bar in my usual barely-there top (aka ´The Napkin´), shakin’ my money maker and realized I’ve been MIA (Mischievously Impersonating ABADass) in Central America with no communiqué as of late. (Good news: I´ve finally figured out these @#&&%$#@ keyboards).
The trouble is, I’ve been trying to find a way to make swimming in cenotes, riding dolphins, caving with stalactites, climbing century old ruins and summiting volcanoes sound interesting. It’s an arduous task, but I´ll give it my best shot. It´s been a while, so here are the Coles notes.
They have been keeping me busy – I’ve been nominated for the “Running the greatest number of different trips without training” award. Normally, you train with another leader and their group before doing it on your own. So far I´ve only trained on 2 trips, done 3 trips “blind” (Translation: without a frikkin clue) and have yet to do the same trip more than once. If variety is the spice of life, I will never have to use salt ever again.
Mel (stunning blond chica that made me look like the ugly fat friend) trained me on my first trip. We became fast friends, but sadly she quit because she fell in sweet happy love and is moving to Brazil. (She claims it´s just a ´visit´). Sad to see my only friend here go, but on the upside I now have a place to stay for Carnival…
My Shadow trip:
Our travels took us from Guatemala (through Antigua, Panajachel, Rio Dulce, and Flores), through Belize (San Ignacio and Caye Caluker) and ended in sunny Mexico (1 tequilla, 2 tequilla, 3 tequilla, Floor…)
The group itself had the personality of Botox – somewhat appealing, but in need of constant injections to keep the life going. I also learned a few more languages. I can now speak British, Australian, and South African.
Trip highlights include fitting my group into a minivan with 15 people already in it. I kid you not. It was like a frikkin clown car as we all tumbled out one after the other practically rolling onto the street. A small child was literally underneath one of my passenger’s legs.
My first solo trip:
Time to do it all over again, but with the reverse itinerary.
You know the dream where everyone is looking at you strangely, and you look down and realize that you´re only in your underwear? Well folks, I’m here to tell you that IT HAPPENS. It really effing does.
Here’s how it went down. The night before, I met the group for the first time and spent a good half hour lecturing them on being on time, how we had to make sure the entire group was ready for our early departure, and well, if you weren’t there we’d be leaving you behind. Ya… That’s night before my alarm doesn’t go off.
I hear a gentle knock at the door and bolt upright – I have 10 minutes to departure. I arm sweep my stuff into my bag, make a mad dash to the door, open it, and see my entire group staring at me. Not so bad right? Except for the fact that I had laid out all my clothes for the next day on the floor. In my rabid panic, said clothes got thrown in to my bag… and lo and behold, guess who’s standing with no pants on?
Spectacular group of people with the exception of Angry Bitter Man whose rants included wanting his money back because the dry season had caused a waterfall to dry up on us. He had paid $1.33. Last I heard, his suit against Mother Nature is still pending. Same retard also claimed to know what real Mexican food was like because he lived in San Diego. (Yea, he was American….sorry guys).
First blind trip:
This means you do the trip with no training, seeing everything for the first time with your group, learning on the fly, and fending for yourself. It took me back to Belize for trekking/swimming through caves, canoeing down the Belize river, scaring iguanas and watching them fall out of trees into the water.
Spotlight: Caye Cauker – the Island that urgency forgot.
As you get off the boat, there is actually a sign that says: Caye Calker – Go Slow. My first visit I was busted by a Rastaman – He´s like, Slow down giaaal, you be movin´ too fast!! I’ve started learning how to speak Creole, which from what I can tell is the same as English, just dropping off random words here and there. Vowels seem to be optional. For dinner we went to Jolly Roger´s – at 5¨5´, 250 lbs, I bet you´d be pretty jolly too. The man loves his BBQ! We had fresh whole snapper, lobster tails, and BBQed Barracuda steak (tastes like chicken) and gimmie a side order of coconut rice. I am actually drooling on my keyboard thinking about it. SCUBA dove the Blue Hole – and got narc´ed (effectively the behaviour of a drunken person) at 30 meters below the water. All I wanted to do was have some tea with the sharks… what is so wrong with that??
And now for something completely different. Flew back to Costa Rica for a training trip from San Jose, Costa Rica to Panama City. For all intents and purposes I pretty much did the trip blind, as the leader who was training me was stoned for the greater part of the trip while I did all the activities with the passengers.
Favourite city on this tour: Bocas Del Toro, Panama. Latino meets Rasta. Wicked vibe, great, friendly people, and an all-around chill place to be. One our first night we took a water taxi ride to Aqua and had an all-night reggae jam on the deck underneath the stars. I _may_ have jumped off the water trampoline fully clothed, but no one was sober enough to confirm. Day 2 was on a catamaran, snorkeling and dolphin watching. Had some fresh ceviche (fresh fish dish, where the raw fish cooks by being soaked in lime juice – double YUM) and spent the rest of the day at the beach, I mean my office….
Still in Panama, I had my ass handed to me by Volcano Baru. 13 Km hike EACH WAY. Uphill. Both ways. I swear. I knew I was in trouble when I was sucking wind by the time I reached the Ranger station – 100 meters in. Had my first run in with altitude sickness – which is really like altitude LAZIness than sickness. Every two steps I wanted to stop and have a nap.
7.5 hours later, we made it to the top to see the ‘sunrise’. I can imagine what it must have looked like in other parts of Panama, but having hiked up 12.5 Kms in the soppy drizzle, what it looked like for us were 45 km/h winds that just about blew me off the volcano and pelting rain. Happily, I can check ´Monstrous Climb in the pouring rain up a volcano´ off my list of 100 things to do before I die and also add it to my list of things to never do again.
Randomness:
Everyone in Central continues to be ridiculously kind and friendly to me. Although at times it´s difficult to tell if they are trying to help me, scam me, or get into my pants. All of the above??- In Merida, Mexico I had to mail a letter. I bought the envelope at a convenience store and the stamp at a jeweler. Go figure.
- Mosquitos: When I rock up to a town all the little biters put out an APB that the All You Can Eat Buffet just rolled into town. The suckers should be giving me cookies and telling me to lie down with all the blood they´ve taken from me.
- In Guatemala men like to pull their shirts up to expose their big, round bellies. They rub their bellies and smile at you as you walk by. I´m not really sure if they just ate, or if they want to eat me.
Next up – Costa Rica: Zip lining through the cloud forest canopy, butterfly gardens, rappelling down waterfalls, turtles hatching, white water rafting, and hard core salsa. Nobody said this was going to be easy….
Love and kisses, this sexy mamacita is outtie!!