What’s under yer kilt?

Scott: Do you have any Scottish in you?

Me: No

Scott: Would you like some???

After a weekend spent in Fergus at the Scottish Festival and Highland Games, the answer is most definitively: YES!!!!

There is something to be said about a man who has the confidence to pull off a kilt.  Fat Bastard was right:

And let me tell you… it is!  Even Gaston was enamoured with the bagpipes and couldn’t wait to get a kilt.

This weekend was entertaining, educational, and remarkably filling…

Highland Games

I came to the games knowing nothing, excited to see large men throw large poles and large rocks around.

I was not disappointed. The experience was a cross between feeling awe inspired and amused by the lunacy of the actual events.

Caber toss: There are three parts – the pick, the run, and the toss.  Two men carry a large telephone pole over to the competitor.  He braces it against his shoulder as he bends to pick it up and scoops in up into his palms.  Then he has to run for an undetermined distance and then fling the caber up in the air so that it lands on the other end and then flips over.  This is the minimum to count as a ‘turn’.  Then you are scored on how close the fallen caber comes to 12 o’clock.  Scores are given like: 12 o’clock, 10:15 – literally times on a clock.

Hammer Throw: a huge ball is attached to the end of a metal rod which is attached to a handle.  The competitor basically twirls it around and around above his head like a helicopter and then releases it for distance.  When the ladies did this event they had what looked like giant knives that stuck out the top of their shoes that they would use to dig into the ground to secure themselves.  I need to get a pair of these for my dark alley walks.

Braemar Stone: This is basically like a shotput on steroids.  It’s a 22 pound stone (where the eff does one find a rock that weighs 22 pounds??) that they nestle underneath their shoulder and then throw as far as they can.

Then are the events, I was told, that are ‘basically named for what you have to do’.  There is a Weight for Distance event – a 56 pound weight is attached to a chain and you essentially throw it as far as you can.  Then there is a Weight for Height event – the second most bizarre of all events. The same 56 pound ball on a chain is literally thrown (with ONE HAND) as high as you can.

Sheaf Tossing.  I cannot tell you how excited I was when I heard that they would be tossing sheep around in the games.

Apparently, I heard wrong.

A SHEAF, is a burlap bag with about 20 pounds of hay in it.  The competitor stabs it with a pitch fork, and then, you guessed it – tries to throw it as high as humanly possible.

I know right?

We were lucky enough to have some of the competitors come and sit with us during the competition and they explained where the events came from, how the scoring worked, and how they trained for the events.  They weren’t too impressed when I told them my favourite event was when they were tossing the ‘little hay pillows’ around.

I don’t know if Scotts drink so much because of these events, or if they came up with these events when they were drinking too much.

I’d also like to use this opportunity to give a shout out to the world champion women that were competing as well.  The Women’s Heavies Championship was held on Sunday and we had the opportunity to see some world records broken and titles claimed.

Music

The only thing I know is that bagpipers need to be able to blow and suck at the same time. That’s the perfect man in my books.

All throughout the festival live bands were playing and they were incredible.  Two standouts were the Red Hot Chili Pipers – a combo rock band meets bagpipers and Albannach: Drum and base + bagpipes + a didgeridoo (a long wooden instrument from Australia that sounds kind of like a wooden trumpet)

All I can say is check them out on YouTube – both bands had an incredible sound like no other.

Food

A festival is not a festival without the artery clogging fried food, chips, beer and sweets and this weekend was no exception. Here’s what was consumed in no particular order

Haggis patties: sheep inside parts + onions + oatmeal + suet + spices, lightly battered and deep fried

Peameal on a bun (this may have happened multiple times)

Corn dogs: This is not even a real food.  It is basically lips and assholes in hot dog form, quadruple dipped in cornmeal and deep fried.  Gaston loves these.  He will most certainly die young.

Braveheart on a bun: A square slice of hamburger meat with a hole in the middle that is filled with haggis, topped with gravy and onions

Scotch beef pie with a side order of haggis poutine.  ‘nuff said

Grilled cheese Sammy, where grilled cheese means creamy brie topped with crispy bacon and grilled green apple with a caramel drizzle both inside and out

Scoops of cookie dough: They use heat treated flour and eggs so its safe to eat.  Being an adult means that you are allowed to have this and consider it a nutritional breakfast.

 

Tug of War

Be still my beating heart… and my drooling tongue.

In short, 6 Scottish army regiments competed in a Tug of War Championship.  Teams of strapping, sculpted, kilted men lined up in the hot sun and got down to it.  Each side dug in, some with a piper to inspire them, others with a sergeant to yell at / coach them, all in ‘uniform’ with a flag bearer.  It was like watching majestic animals like elephants and lions battle each other – if the animals were in kilts and pulling on a rope…

Pipes and Drums

In the background there were all sorts of solo and band competitions.  I have absolutely no idea what the requirements were or how they were judged.  While I did enjoy the live bands playing music, in the hot sun, with a blazing headache, the repetitive pipes and drums were wearing me down by the end of day two.

What was really great though were the ‘massed bands’.  All of the bands would come together with their drum majors and all play together, while marching, and intermingling with each other.  From our seat in the bleachers, it was really an impressive site.

Among other things they also had a Performance Tent with Highland Dance competitions, a Heritage Village where everyone was dressed up in period costumes, storytelling and historical talks, blacksmithing workshops, learn how to speak Gaelic lessons, whisky tasting (our hosts for the weekend prepared a special selection just for us) as well as an entire area where all the different Scottish Clans had booths set up so you could learn more about them.  There was also some cute Highland Cattle that would no doubt be eaten shortly after the festival.

For these Scottish Festival newbies, the weekend was a solid 20 out of 10.  We would be remiss if we didn’t commit 100% and have our kilts for next year…

  

Click to watch: The Full Adventure

See you again soon!!